Ode to Spandex: A Ranting on the Way Women Dress Today
©Copyright 2011
By Lena Arnold
Excerpted from, “Scenes From The City” coming soon from Emperor Publishing
Okay, I’m about to piss a lot of women off; and I ain’t gonna lie; the most pissed off group of women are going to be black!
I have been putting this off for a long time, but I just can’t take it anymore! Women, especially black women-LEARN HOW TO DRESS and CARRY YOURSELF LIKE A WOMAN!
Let’s start with the way your dress, please take note of the following:
Spandex is not your friend! Alright, so look, if you are a size 14 and up-stop trying to squeeze your fat behind into a pair of spandex. I do not care what the horny thing that passes for a man says who is sitting next to you right now: spandex on a plus size woman is not a good look! Before you want to kick my behind, I am plus size, so I can say this.
Just ‘cause they make it, don’t mean you got to wear it!-Seriously, just because it is hanging on the rack does not mean it is for you! Put it back! I mean it-RIGHT NOW!
Two piece bathing suits are for skinny teens and supermodels! Everybody else, please, do the world a favor and stick to one pieces, skirted one pieces, and tankini’s. FYI-If your fat rolls cannot fit inside the tankini-IT AIN”T FOR YOU! Put it back!
Nobody wants to see your boobs! Okay, so maybe your man, some hot in the pants teenage boys, and the pervert next door; but for the rest of us, would you mind putting them back in the cage! It might have passed for s*xy when you were 20, but at 45-Lets all repeat after me, “IT’S NOT A GOOD LOOK.” Oh, and if your breast are bearing tattoos-for the record can I just say, “YUCK!” and “OUCH!”
Belly Buttons-Again, tolerable on women in their 20’s and those with flat abs; everyone else dagnabit wear a longer shirt!
Tight Jeans-Do I really need to say, “Stop squeezing your fat ass in them?”
Fat Rolls-Okay, I admit I have a few, okay, so I have MORE than a few-; but I ain’t trying to let the rest of the world know that, and neither should you. ‘Nuff said!
Pajamas and slippers-People, these are for the bedroom; but keep on and they are going to be for BEDBUGS! There is a reason why you take your clothes off at night and take a shower. Why don’t you just announce to the world, “I’m NASTY and I don’t bathe!”
Doo Rags, Scarves, and Bandanas- Okay, a decorative head wrap is a fashion statement. A hat or cap is cool. Everything else is just trifling! Either comb your head or stay home. Say it with me, “NOT A GOOD LOOK!”
Thongs-
1. Body parts need a buffer zone. Do I really need to elaborate?
2. Should not be worn under white pants!
3. You know what, I’m gonna stop here before I really make some people mad.
Why am I on this rant? Because I was in the grocery store was like, “OMG! This is just getting more and more ridiculous! I mean, I could almost see why so many men are turning gay! If I had to judge by the caliber of woman I often see in the store aisles, I could see why a man would be turned off. As Fat Albert and the Cosby kids used to say, “You are like a school in the summertime, NO CLASS!”
Women, what is with the lazy walk? It’s like some kind of creepy shuffle in slippers filled with sand. And can you comb your hair before you leave the house? Do you really have to have it wrapped in a doo rag? Can you wear some panties underneath that spandex? Is it too much to ask for you to keep your back straight? Am I being too picky if I ask you to speak proper English? Wear a dress sometimes for goodness sake! A bright sundress with some flowers and cute sandals! They have stores that sells these things, so why am I seeing a store full of women in tight black or gray spandex in too tight, tiny, white tee shirts; carelessly clinging to fat rolls!!!!!!?!!!!!!!
This is no lie, and I wish I was kidding-the men had more class than the women; even the thugs. Heck, I could barley tell the thugs from the women. They looked like men, they dressed like men, and they talked like men. I know why the young men want the older women nowadays. It’s because the girls in their age group HAVE NO CLASS! Older women still remember the Dianne Carroll days. We grew up in an era where women wanted to be women. It didn’t stop us from being strong and confident.
So I am going to end my rant with the following poem I wrote entitled, Ode to Spandex. If you are angry by the time you finish reading it, then all it means is that you have some so spandex you need to throw away.
Ode to Spandex
Spandex o’ spandex,
thou wert once my friend
But now t’is time for the
love affair to end.
My rolls are too rolly
for me to pretend;
that I will ever look good
in spandex again.
Why I still try to fit in them,
I will never know.
Should have known it was over
when the fat started to show.
My thighs are too thick!
My belly too jelly!
It’s done lapped over my waist!
My butt is too big!
My waist is too wide!
Spilling up and over the place!
So spandex I’m sorry,
though I do wish you well.
But I can no longer put you
Over my fleshly shell.
If your portly friend is in spandex
even if those clothes fit;
tell her just cause they make it
don’t mean you must wear it.
Some material, well
it just ain’t for us.
Leave spandex to skinny girls
‘cause they ain’t for size plus.
T’is no shame in admittance,
for some things just be so.
No need for repentance,
spandex just gots to go!
So spandex
O’ spandex
I bid you adieu.
I pass you on to a bony chick,
who I hope will be good to you.
Not pair you with a t-shirt
and pretend it’s a dress.
With a belt and high heels,
‘cause that’s just a hot mess.
I just hope and pray
she’ll be better to you.
And look better in spandex
Than a big girl do!
Lena M. Fields-ARNOLD is the author of For This Child We Prayed: Living with the Secret Shame of Infertility, For This Dream We Prayed Companion Journal, Strong Black Coffee:Poetry and Prose to Enlighten, Encourage, and Entertain Americans of African Descent; and In the Absence of My Father.
Her work has been featured in numerous periodicals, including the recently released “Free to Fly: Transitions for the Seasons in a Woman’s Life,” published by InSCRIBEd Inspirations and “The Speaker Anthology,” published by Blooming Twig Books; as well as the soon to be released, “Jackie’s Way: A Children’s Book on Dealing with Anger,” in collaboration with the Columbus based Jazz Artist Mike Fields.
Lena is also a respected consultant on family and youth issues and has spent the last 20 years working tirelessly on their behalf. She is primarily responsible for helping non-profits & businesses achieve organizational goals through the creation of effective development strategies.
For More Information visit
www.StrongBlackCoffee.info, www.InfertilityPress.com, and
www.AbsenceofMyFather.com
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Monday, June 27th 2011 at 12:48PM
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